Still reeling......from the impact...

I am still reeling from the impact of discovering that I what I had considered to be 'the way I was' is only the result of a decision I made when I was 11. In response to something that happened I decided that I had to control life in order to survive. How this played itself out was in my obsession of always having only one way to do things and getting angry and upset when I didn't get my way. The anger and upset masked the fear that I wouldn't be in control and then the consequences would be disastrous. It was fear about the consequences I had made up that weren't real that dominated and dictated how I have been being in life.

Since I have given this up. Or more specifically now that this way of being has been exposed for what it is...a way of being that was given to me by a decision I made in the past and has transformed itself I feel an ease and freedom that I have never truly felt before. In the past I have felt a kind of freedom but nothing like what I am now feeling. I have created the possibility of being freedom and ease in the space of this transformation and that is truly what is now showing up for me. The other amazing thing is how easy meditation is now. Before this I have often written about how my mind is usually quite empty of thoughts but the minute I sit down to meditate I have thought assault about absolutely everything under the sun to the point that I had stopped meditating and had taken on being mindful. This is having keeping a constant alertness and awareness to everything that is going on.

Since having this insight about control my meditation is so different. What I now see is that before I was afraid to let myself go, to lose control in meditation like in every other area of my life. I no longer am afraid to lose control and my meditations are so much deeper. For one I can sit now for an hour and not feel the time in the way I used to do in the past. I am emerging from my meditations with deeper insights. The fear of losing control is gone and in its place is a deep abiding peace and calm when meditating. Meditation has gone from something I felt I had to do to be a good spiritual person to something I now look forward to and want to do. Meditation no longer holds the fear of losing control that it had. And yet, it wasn't the fear of losing control which had the power over me but my fear of imagined consequences which I now know would never have happened. It was this fear that was keeping me locked in my small, limiting and controlling world.

The construction of the identity which gave me this controlled way of being is not personal, I am clear about that. It is part of the game which I have written about in this blog. If there is only ONE and that ONE splits itself to play a game all there is is the ONE which has split itself up many times to play a game. The purpose of the identity is to keep the real nature of the ONE hidden. I am aware that the last couple of sentences can read as cryptic but I am trying to convey how the construction of a human being into 'identity' and 'possibility' or 'ego and soul' is the construction of a game which is played out within the human frame.....

My insights into things are coming much quicker and faster now because control is not a factor. My interactions with people are relaxed and fun because I am not trying to control anything. If I'm not trying to control anyone or anything and I can be with whatever is, as it is, and not resist the what is for what I think it should be, then I am free. This freedom is hard won but when it is won life is different. For me these days, the leaves are much brighter, the kaleidoscope of coloured leaves takes my breath away and my consciousness gets absorbed and the thinking analytical mind stops. To look at our way of being not as who we truly are but as a construction of the identity and to transform it is to live a free life.... So today ask yourself....'who am I being' not 'what am I doing' at different points during the day.....and have fun with it....